THE FUNNIEST NIGHT
We all knew Montreal was going to be crazy--we had friends from Omaha there and it was our first show outside of the US--but it was more than I had expected. Right before the show started the snow had begun falling and, of course, to keep warm and ease our nerves drinks were a must. The booze continued to flow throughout the night. The crowd was as icy as the streets outside so we decided to rile them up during The Faint's set. We worked our way to the middle of the crowd and started freaking out. I had a full drink and it showered the crowd around me. That's all it took--the stiffness was broken-limbs became anonymous- bodies became one-aliens were real. After thrashing for a good hour, I returned to the dressing room to congratulate The Faint on an awesome show. I walked into a dense cloud of smoke--the amount of weed being inhaled was insane. Everyone was on the moon and none of it made sense.
The promoter kicked us out for partying too hard, so we hit up the fast food joint across the street and experienced poutine, a drunk man's feast consisting of fries, gravy and cheese curds. It was probably the grossest thing ever but my tastebuds were saturated in whiskey and not so subtle. With heavy bellies and weightless heads, we continued our parade through the snow trying to find a warm place to hole up. The only thing open was a strip club. We proceeded inside and found it empty. We took over that place in about 5 seconds. I had never been to a strip club, and was already feeling freaked out in my own skin--all i could think about was where i could focus my glassy eyes. I didn't want to look at the girls because i didn't have any money to tip them so i found refuge in talking to Todd. We were spiraling in sync now. He told me that everyone secretly enjoyed strip clubs but that not everyone could admit it to themselves. He went to put some money on the dancer's floor and that's when she grabbed his arm and dragged him between her legs which were in a power triangle. She was in control now. He got more than what he bargained for. She was snaking around him like some she-serpent from venus for a few minutes. He clearly wasn't having any fun, and tried wriggling off the stage in a cartoon-esque fashion. Lady wasn't having it. That stripper, who we named Miami Vice, dropped her shit like it was hot right on Todd's face. She proceeded to work it round-n-round (n round). She was a goddamn flesh carousel from some carnival from hell.
Poor Todd. He was in her clutches. I was terrified of what was happening. I mean I was stoned. I mean I was drunk. I mean I was a lot of things, but none of them felt safe. That's when I heard a voice behind me whisper, "It's nice, isn't it?"
My mouth was on the fucking floor. I don't even know what nice is anymore.
THE DRUNKEST FAN
After our set at First Avenue in Minneapolis, I took a step outside to get some fresh air. There was a cop car outside with a girl inside. The window was cracked slightly. The girl was yelling at me and I couldn't understand so I got closer. Finally I could hear her say, " HEY YOU WERE AWESOME IN THERE--SO SO SEXY! I BIT A MAN IN THE NECK BECAUSE HE WAS TALKING DURING YOUR SET! I MADE HIM BLEED!!! NOW I"M IN CUFFS IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT! REMEMBER ME? I WAS THE GIRL THAT YELLED LANA DEL RAY AIN"T GOT SHIT ON YOU!!" She was beyond wasted and it ruled. I wish I knew how to slur words via text so you could understand.
THE BEST RESTAURANT
Wasabi Spice in Nashville
Not only was the food bomb, the owner of the restaurant was a total ham. In the middle of dinner Derek mumbled to himself that he felt tired. Moments later this woman had her hands on his ears. She was rubbing them like she was trying to force out some sort of demons. It was kind of erotic and 100% effective.
THE WORST RESTAURANT
BOSTON PIZZA in...TORONTO?
First off-- Boston, i'm sorry, but you aren't famous for your pizza so I think canadians are a little confused. Second-- the pizza cost 30 bucks, which is a lot if you're trying to be scrappy, and it tasted like diseased matter.
THE COOLEST CITY
Cool places, even cooler people, free pizza, Jurassic park and beer party, pretty scenery. Asheville is also home to the MOOG FACTORY, which we spent a decent amount of time exploring.
THE WORST CITY
Every time. We didn't even visit you we just saw you in the distance. Get cooler Gary.
THE RUDEST MOMENT
Daniel, our drummer, went into the crowd during The Faint's set at Terminal 5 in New York. He immediately spilled his drink directly into some girl's purse. She started weeping and Daniel just walked away. Daniel, YOU. ARE. SO. RUDE.
THE BEST PLACE WE SLEPT
A Crazy Mansion in Dallas, Texas
It was occupied by a woman, her son, and the housekeeper- they didn't know us but they let us 5 freaks wreak havoc in their abode. They kept offering us food, drinks, more food and drinks and MORE AND MORE-- it made me feel awkward. On one hand I felt guilty saying no to so many things she clearly was willing to share but I also felt weird taking so much for a stranger. The second she left the room to fetch us all dewar's on the rocks Derek and I bolted to the backyard so we could jump into the salt water hot tub. I didn't care about its healing powers or how the waterfalls surrounding it were there to direct my chi-- i just wanted to be in a hot tub and feel like a superstar for the first time in my life-- maybe i did but i would never tell you. We ditched the hot tub to go to the 'media room'-- pretty much a movie theater in a house. This is not where I thought we'd be that night. It was weird and awesome and we got to watch Collateral Damage.
THE WORST PLACE WE SLEPT
Hotel in Minneapolis, Minn.
It really wasn't that bad of a place to stay but we were as broke as a joke at that point. A friend of Daniel's who had formerly lived in Omaha was supposed to put us up that night but he had raged to hard and passed out. Mason, Daniel, and Nik threw snowballs and rocks at his window for a good half hour. Mason, a well tempered individual, was blind with rage. He was cursing the heavens, heaving huge rocks, and was not to be fucked with. I don't remember this because I was blacked out in the car. OOPS. I later learned that this same dude had once held a job in omaha as a barista at a coffee shop that also sells liquor. One shift, he started kissing everybody's favorite broad, BOOZE. He frenched that bottle and passed out on a couch during his shift. Two bums walked into the joint wanting water or food or something but decided they would start running the shop. They didn't know how to make drinks and they could barely talk to the customers (who were terrified). Yeah, he got fired. That was just a fun side story.
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